By: Lorraine
My day was coming along just fine, had several laughter with my friends, I got to go to immersion and earned myself hours,,, then afternoon came. I went to my usual place, at the back of the LS, the field. Every immersion I had, I would go to the field to relax and spend time with my friends. It was funny actually, because i was with a close friend of mines who saw her past crushes gathering into one place. She couldn’t look forward, backward, or side ward, so she laid down on the grass, staring right to the skies. I, on the other hand, saw a friend and hugged her. I was talking about my crush and she told me she was just at our southeast. I stopped, literally I didn’t know how to breathe. My heart started beating faster as I debated whether I should give her the letter that I wrote to her on the last day of February. Here is what she said that made me rethink everything;
“Bakit mo pa po ibibigay kung hindi naman niya naaappreciate?”(“Why would you give it when she doesn’t even appreciate it?”)
My heart sunk. She was right. Maybe I shouldn’t be doing such efforts on someone who doesn’t even care if I existed... but no. I couldn’t betray my feelings. Yes, it would be stupid of me to pursue of a love that wouldn’t be returned, but the thought of expressing and letting the person I like know that I indeed like her... would be better than regretting the action I didn’t choose to take. ‘Selfish.’
Another realization; it wasn’t just a crush anymore. I like her. My friends would ask me from time to time; “Siya parin ba?” (“Is it still her?”) Unfortunately and fortunately, yes. I tend to be loyal with crushes, because why would you need to find others (other crushes) to make you happy if she/he alone makes you the happiest? *Hopeless romantic alert* Maybe this is one of the reasons why she doesn’t like me (aside from the obvious fact that she’s straight).
Then again, I go back to square one with my present feelings I have towards her. Just a fact; we don’t talk anymore. It was like from friends to acquaintance to strangers. I hate the fact that I couldn’t do anything to approach her. I can’t talk nor greet. All I could do was simply watch her fade away from my vision and far within my reach. It was the first time I ever regretting expressing myself, but change allows me to learn from it. Maybe not all of my crushes would be comfortable around me, and have me as a friend again, but that’s alright. I don’t have the power to force them into something they do not want to do. Hopefully by the end of this school year, I’ll be given a chance; one last chance.. then I’ll give up.
“But know that it isn’t bad to express yourself. It’s better regretting doing it than not at all. At least you tried.”
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