By: Kyzha
People go through a series of difficult experiences in life that might force them to contemplate their past. The more we discussed our regrets, the more we realized there were far more periods we would want to return to, and far more mistakes we would want to fix.
A child were about to celebrate her 12th birthday. Growing up she have never really celebrated an important time and was never excited about it anymore. Everyone may be has their memorable celebration of their birthdays but to her, she tried every possible ways to avoid these conversation when obviously she didn’t have any great stories to tell. But the family reunion weren’t all about her birthday, her mother were coming. A mother whom she haven’t seen in her entire existence.
In the family’s dining room where we used to gather, I sat on the floor by the small bookshelf and pulled out the black scrapbook. The first page was a beautiful picture of our eldest sister as a sleeping newborn. I began flipping through the pages. Searching, yearning and then I saw this child pictured while crying. I stared at it, it was me crying over nothing, I may not remember why I was crying at the time but then for sure I cried loudly for a reason that there isn’t a figure of a woman whom I saw to embrace its whining child.
I felt tears ready to burst out. The flood of emotions was pushing its way up. I closed the book slowly and made my way to my room as I silently cried by myself.
I remember the day when I first met my mother, It was in the airport , a rendezvous of my first meeting of the woman who is gone for almost 12 years. She arrived, happily hugging everyone around me it’s a second of deep thinking but now its my turn, she came close to me and open her arms wide then squeeze me tightly. In my mother’s arms I felt like I need to cry but I didn’t know what to do, maybe I was in shock of the strange feeling that I didn’t know how to respond to it. Her arms around me, her hands stroking my hair and kissing my head so tender, as I saw her eyes it was full of longingness but then again I was not really sure if I was right about it. I just stood still, I didn’t move a bit, not even a single word came out of my mouth, my eyes grasp into nothingness ,I can feel my body shaking and my hands began to sweat. In her arms it felt like it was the safest place to be, the arms I had felt as a child even when I can’t even remember a single memory with the her in it.
Looking back at that moment when I first had a glance of my mother, guilt and regrets showered upon me. What could I have done differently?. I just wondered a lot things that I should have done in that minute, I should have embrace her and tell her how much I missed her, I should have proudly showed all the achievements I’ve had in school, how I was a good girl helping my siblings with the chores and there’s a lot more but I didn’t.
A trip to my past self was more about me questioning myself. A difficult decision to fully accept mistakes and stop thinking about the past. That woman today felt she lost a child and thought she has done horrible things for that child to hate her when all she hoped was to give them a fulfilling life where she can provided everything they needed. She sacrifice everything including her own happiness to sustain the dreams of her children. Start appreciating the moments that today offers for it fills you to the person you are in the future.
0 comments